Someday We’ll Know…

….Just how lucky we are.

There are many times where my arms just feel empty, that space in my heart that I created for a baby that has yet to be filled reminds me of years of pain, sadness, and let down hope. A year ago last week I was diagnosed with my endometriosis and now that we are done with our excitement of preparing to adopt, things have gone quiet and that pain and emptiness seeps back in. Those tears that I shed a year ago return and I am reminded of how patient we have been yet how far away we still feel. When we started our adoption journey, that space was filled with the hope that it gave us. As we filled out paperwork, created profile books, and were filling all our free time with checking things off our adoption checklist – I felt so close, so close, to our baby. For the first time, I felt like I was finally expecting, not in a pregnant belly type way but an anxious anticipation filled with love kind of way.

Now as we wait, that hope is fading a little with each day that passes. We are occupying ourselves with house projects, random warm spring days, time with friends and family, and focusing on our four legged little one, Bentley. Time is going fast, it is, and we are continuing to wait patiently for news, and as we wait, I remind myself that one day we will look back and realize it…how lucky we are to have this be our journey. Because in my heart, I already know this – sometimes I just lose sight of trusting it will happen.

God chose this very special plan for us, a plan that will be better than we could have ever imagined. Our infertility led us to adoption, He challenged us to take this step out in faith to trust Him, we are lucky – He has not forgotten us, He has not ignored our prayers, He is preparing us for our beautiful lives ahead, and starting with the beautiful lives we have now. Lucky us to be loved and blessed to be given this plan because one day, all that we know in our hearts will be confirmed and we will forever, and always, remember how good He is for the days we struggled while waiting because it was all meant to be, God just wasn’t finished yet. We are experiencing these days of waiting for a purpose, just as my infertility served a purpose. And every time I feel inpatient or question His plan, I realize how much I’ve grown – in my faith, in my marriage, my relationships, and my life. I’ve experienced that warm feeling in my heart when things just make sense, that peace that overcomes you when you know this is exactly where you are meant to be; and at times I lose that feeling when I focus too much on where I want to be, what I want, and what I think is best – but it’s not about me.

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
– Exodus 14:13-14

Being still is what I am reminding myself to be, today and all the days in the future. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, even in the waiting.

“Jesus replied ‘You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
– John 13:7

And I know that when someday comes; we will confirm just how lucky we were for all the times we felt anxious, hurt, or hopeless.

*Side note, isn’t it crazy how much control we think we have in our lives? Until our journey to grow our family started, I somehow thought I was in control. It’s easier to think that way right? Until it doesn’t happen that way…then we get mad, angry, throw a tantrum and stomp our feet, flailing our arms.  The only thing we have control over is to have faith and trust. Without that, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today – probably with really sore arms from throwing my 3 year tantrum 😉

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Spring is near!

Hello! And most importantly, hello spring! It’s right around the corner and we have just a few short days left of cold, winter weather and then it looks like there’s no turning back! I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I am a big fan of the season between seasons…the time when the seasons change and you are filled with hope and expectations of what’s to come – that’s the best time of year! Living in Iowa, I honestly, genuinely, really love all 4 seasons, but I’m excited to feel the warmth of spring on my face and be able to walk Bentley again!

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That’s ^ how Bentley lounges on the couch. Belly down, legs out – on the arm of our love seat, with a perfect view out the window…so cute!

Some good news, David and I got our federal fingerprint results back and we are officially (!!!) approved and waiting for any moment to receive a call! I couldn’t believe how long it took to get those results back…because we got them done at the beginning of our home study back in October, we went the longer and cheaper route to send them in through the mail – processing times were said to be 12 weeks max at that time, but that number kept getting higher and higher as we waited. It took 16 weeks before we received our results! I’m so glad we are done with that now though because now we can officially be shown to birth families without fear of not having those back yet. Phew!

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Bentley has been keeping us on our toes while we wait. He’s going through terrible twos – or attitude of a teenager – stage right now and has very selective hearing. The vet warned us for this time in a puppy’s growth; a time when he would test us. We took him to a puppy private lesson when he was just a few months old and it was super overwhelming. We got home and looked at each other like, “what did he say to do again?” Now that he is getting older and should be a little more out of those puppy things, we decided to take him to a training day care for 2 weeks in the middle of March. He will get trained manners and expected behavior. He will also get trained some off leash things which will be good when we take him camping this summer! Gizmo was a puppy so many years ago that we need a refresher also. We are excited and so is Bentley – he can’t wait to meet all his new friends and will be completely wiped at nights when I pick him up to go home!

I’m hoping to post more about life in general so stay tuned! 🙂