….Just how lucky we are.
There are many times where my arms just feel empty, that space in my heart that I created for a baby that has yet to be filled reminds me of years of pain, sadness, and let down hope. A year ago last week I was diagnosed with my endometriosis and now that we are done with our excitement of preparing to adopt, things have gone quiet and that pain and emptiness seeps back in. Those tears that I shed a year ago return and I am reminded of how patient we have been yet how far away we still feel. When we started our adoption journey, that space was filled with the hope that it gave us. As we filled out paperwork, created profile books, and were filling all our free time with checking things off our adoption checklist – I felt so close, so close, to our baby. For the first time, I felt like I was finally expecting, not in a pregnant belly type way but an anxious anticipation filled with love kind of way.
Now as we wait, that hope is fading a little with each day that passes. We are occupying ourselves with house projects, random warm spring days, time with friends and family, and focusing on our four legged little one, Bentley. Time is going fast, it is, and we are continuing to wait patiently for news, and as we wait, I remind myself that one day we will look back and realize it…how lucky we are to have this be our journey. Because in my heart, I already know this – sometimes I just lose sight of trusting it will happen.
God chose this very special plan for us, a plan that will be better than we could have ever imagined. Our infertility led us to adoption, He challenged us to take this step out in faith to trust Him, we are lucky – He has not forgotten us, He has not ignored our prayers, He is preparing us for our beautiful lives ahead, and starting with the beautiful lives we have now. Lucky us to be loved and blessed to be given this plan because one day, all that we know in our hearts will be confirmed and we will forever, and always, remember how good He is for the days we struggled while waiting because it was all meant to be, God just wasn’t finished yet. We are experiencing these days of waiting for a purpose, just as my infertility served a purpose. And every time I feel inpatient or question His plan, I realize how much I’ve grown – in my faith, in my marriage, my relationships, and my life. I’ve experienced that warm feeling in my heart when things just make sense, that peace that overcomes you when you know this is exactly where you are meant to be; and at times I lose that feeling when I focus too much on where I want to be, what I want, and what I think is best – but it’s not about me.
“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
– Exodus 14:13-14
Being still is what I am reminding myself to be, today and all the days in the future. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, even in the waiting.
“Jesus replied ‘You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
– John 13:7
And I know that when someday comes; we will confirm just how lucky we were for all the times we felt anxious, hurt, or hopeless.
*Side note, isn’t it crazy how much control we think we have in our lives? Until our journey to grow our family started, I somehow thought I was in control. It’s easier to think that way right? Until it doesn’t happen that way…then we get mad, angry, throw a tantrum and stomp our feet, flailing our arms. The only thing we have control over is to have faith and trust. Without that, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today – probably with really sore arms from throwing my 3 year tantrum 😉