Orchestrating Time

Infertility will always be a scar on my heart. it is a part of who I am. With that, I feel like there’s a secret club (a club that is not by choice, definitely not be request, and most definitely not be desire) of men and women who deeply understand what it’s like to have the word infertility attached to your dreams at one point or another.

With the scar that infertility left on my heart came a deep realization and understanding of the complex concept of timing—particularly God’s timing. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, sometimes things just are not in your control, no matter how hard you try to perfectly coordinate them to be. A painful stab to your heart when you so badly want that timing to align with your expectations, and it doesn’t happen the way you thought it would.

When I think back to how everything played out and how perfectly timed each small piece (here too!) of our story was strategically put into place—only being able to connect those dots now as we look back—I am forever grateful for the pain and scars that infertility has caused because it has also brought us the most incredible sense of understanding, peace, joy, and love.

I sit here on this Thursday morning drinking a hot cup of coffee, pre-morning chaos, I think back to the very moment we decided we were ready to grow our family and it is still not lost on me all of the mornings I woke up to find out our dreams were crushed once again. Every morning I woke up wondering when I would hear “Mama…” called out in a sweet voice, waiting patiently to cuddle (but really who are we kidding, they want food.) I am forever grateful for our story because those lows, that deep pain, led me right here drinking my hot cup of coffee, feeling peace. In a few moments, I will hear that sweet sound calling from one of the bedrooms and I fear that my heart might actually explode from feeling so full.

If you are wondering what you did to deserve the waiting, the pain, the unknown…I hope our story (including this…) brings you hope. You have done absolutely nothing to deserve the pain you are going through, you deserve more. God is working hard to orchestrate each piece of your beautiful story, whatever that may be. But that’s the exciting, beautiful part of this life, you never know what surprises your future holds…realizing some day as you look back and see that those surprises weren’t really surprises at all, they were orchestrated perfectly and intently for you.